Phase IV?: Hey I’m in Memphis where Elvis lived and died

Hello Universe!

Greetings from Memphis, Tennessee. I’m here burning money on food and drink, stalling before I go out West. In typical fashion I have downgraded all my amazing adventure plans and now the biggest feat I see upon my immediate horizon is somehow waking up in time to get to the Memphis airport by six O’clock Sunday morning. As obviously challenging as that sounds, it still isn’t even exciting because I am enough of a grown-up by now to believe that I am capable of waking up before the sun rises when 160 dollars and a one-way trip to Seattle is on the line.

Since there really are no other things to do other than wake up eventually, I am forced to create arbitrary tasks for myself, like trying to sleep with my sister’s friends, or meet as many girls on the internet that don’t care (or notice) that I am leaving town in, like, four days. I plan to take a long walk through Memphis looking for used condoms, needles, and antebellum Southern architecture in the near future, though. The houses and occasional filth of Memphis really are quite grand.

Since I am still pretending that this is a travel blog I probably should take my ass down to Beale Street and take photographs of B.B. King’s BBQ restaurant and the throngs of tourists and locals all pretending that they’re in the French Quarter, but since I’m still too lazy to take photographs and put them on this blog I’ll just cut to the chase and tell you that Bud Light bottles are five or more dollars at the bars there. Let’s just pretend I had three of them and wandered off of Beale where I was robbed at pen point. Luckily, in this imagination, I had only brought a 20 with and I didn’t tip the bartenders in protest of the overpriced Bud Lights so the pen wielding robber only got a fiver. Thank goodness.

Anyway, in reality, I am quite impressed with this Memphis place. If you ever come to town make sure you go to Gus’ World Famous Fried Chicken down on Front St. It’s just spicy fried chicken but it’s absolutely worth the anus searing bowel movement you will inevitably perform sometime after your simple and amazing meal. Try the fried pickles too. They cut them in spears, not chips, and they’re great (JUICE – spears are juicy!).

I’ve eaten fried pickles twice here, Asian style hot wings, around 20 breaded and fried oysters, two different styles of cheesy fries, drank around 10 craft beers, sipped a few Beam and waters and made a few bad decisions. That’s in the 24 hours since I’ve been back here from Martin, TN (my alma mater). Don’t forget about Gus’ either. Eating there is never a bad decision, even though it will feel like it later that night. If I gained weight I’d get fat here. Worth it. Come to Memphis sometime and get fat.

If I find any really heinous contraband out there in the next few days I’ll write up a little piece about it, maybe even take a picture for you. If not, well, I’ll let you know what happens when I land jobless, homeless and without prospect in the Emerald City (That’s Seattle). Farewell friendly reader.

PS Sorry. Elvis did live here and die here. You all know that and no, I’m not going to Graceland.

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