After the Facebook Fast

Two weeks ago I gave up social media for seven whole days (here’s the link). Well, sort of. To be honest, I checked my stats on WordPress (this blog) for the first two days of my social media fast. I also waited to delete all of the social media apps from my smartphone until day two. So, while I didn’t know what my Facebook notifications were, I knew I was still getting them – for the first two days, at least. Other than that, though, I didn’t check Facebook, or Twitter, or Instagram, or OkCupid, or my blog.

Here is what I discovered:

Not checking Facebook on my phone every other minute is great.

I felt antsy for the first few days, but after that I barely thought about it. I thought that maybe the terrible boredom and lack of attention I would inevitably feel during that week might force me into some amazing sort of adventure, like talking to a girl in a bar, or Trader Joe’s, or something. It didn’t. Apparently the same affliction that drives me to obsessively check Facebook also ramps up my anxiety in ‘actual’ social situations. Continue reading

You Have Spurned Me, Facebook

There’s something wrong.

I find myself all too often feeling dejected after checking my Facebook and finding it devoid of any new notifications. No new ‘likes’ or mentions, no comments on my posts or comments on the comments I’ve commented on. Or liked. How many Facebook messages arrived in the hours between leaving home for a walk and my return from the grocery store? Zero.

Sure, there’s that old friend request from my father’s second cousin out in South Dakota, but that only makes it worse. No one’s left any real evidence, in the last since-I-checked-facebook-last, that I’ve occupied even the most casual of their thoughts (‘click’). Nobody did anything to let me know I’m funny, or smart, or cute, or envied. No one even sent a digital ‘poke’ while I sat on my inflatable mattress, watched Mad Men, made a cucumber salad, read part of a book, and randomly checked my phone to see if notifications had arrived.

This makes me feel dejected. Continue reading

Coffee and Crapping in Capitol Hill

I have to poop but I don’t know where the bathroom is and I don’t wanna ask – at Caffe Vita.

Today is an adventure. Life is an adventure. Here we are, explorers from another dimension, looking for suitable places to go to the bathroom. I left the house in Lower Queen Anne and hiked through the retail section of downtown, then off and up to Capitol Hill today. The weather here in Seattle is perfect right now; 74 degrees and not a cloud in the sky. There are humans out in full force, walking and running and sitting and laying. It’s nice to live in a city where the people get out of their cars and use the sidewalks.

I’ve been making the creepy eyes at hipster chicks lately, but to no avail. My intention is to look aloof, but interested, but not creepy – all at the same time. I think I’d be less creepy if I just used the “I would have sex with you in that doorway, that alleyway, or that bus stop enclosure – right now” look. It’s more honest at least. Continue reading

Phase IV?: Hey I’m in Memphis where Elvis lived and died

Hello Universe!

Greetings from Memphis, Tennessee. I’m here burning money on food and drink, stalling before I go out West. In typical fashion I have downgraded all my amazing adventure plans and now the biggest feat I see upon my immediate horizon is somehow waking up in time to get to the Memphis airport by six O’clock Sunday morning. As obviously challenging as that sounds, it still isn’t even exciting because I am enough of a grown-up by now to believe that I am capable of waking up before the sun rises when 160 dollars and a one-way trip to Seattle is on the line.

Since there really are no other things to do other than wake up eventually, I am forced to create arbitrary tasks for myself, like trying to sleep with my sister’s friends, or meet as many girls on the internet that don’t care (or notice) that I am leaving town in, like, four days. I plan to take a long walk through Memphis looking for used condoms, needles, and antebellum Southern architecture in the near future, though. The houses and occasional filth of Memphis really are quite grand. Continue reading